Eddie the Gossip King
by PPP SSC
Summary: After an event at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant during a lockdown results in Eddie inadvertently outing Smithers, he becomes the source for gossip and ruined lives of several cast members. Rated M for blatantly sexual propaganda posters and swearin
1. Outed!

Eddie the Gossip King

"Danger! Danger!" shouted the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant security officer, "There has been an assassin spotted. We are entering lockdown."

"Oh, poo. Once again, an assassin has gotten in the way of our diabolical plans. Smithers, go make sure that our subordinates are not doing anything stupid," said the conglomerate, Mr. Charles Montgomery Burns.

"Yes, sir," replied his assistant, walking out the office door to check on some subordinates. What he found did not please him.

"Oh, man," said Carl Carlson to his best friend Lenny Leonard. "If Mr. Burns dies, it won't be that big of a loss for anyone. Maybe we should just tell the assassin where he's hiding."

"Uh… Carl, you might want to look behind you," Lenny said, pointing to Waylon Smithers Jr.

"Umm… _I_ think it would be a big loss…" Waylon said sheepishly.

Lenny pressed him and said, "You know, you always seemed like a pretty decent guy. I wonder what keeps you tied to the king of evil."

"Well, that's classified information," Waylon responded while pushing his glasses back into position.

Carl looked at Waylon and said, "Come on, what's your secret? You were kidnapped as a little boy? He has some really big dirt on you? Is it for the money? Are you just brown-nosing him so he won't yell at you? Did he bribe you with a honeydew melon?"

"A honeydew melon? Where did THAT come from?"

Lenny looked confused and shrugged, "I dunno. I was following him up until that one."

Carl said, "Well, there's gotta be SOME reason."

"I just don't want to talk about it! I hope that's okay, Carlson!" Waylon replied.

Lenny kept pressing though. "It's okay. We's all friends here. I'm not gonna hate you forever if you're secretly his second cousin from the planet Venus who came here to destroy humankind."

Waylon ran back into the office and realized Monty wasn't there. "Sir?" he asked worriedly.

"Don't worry, Smithers. The police are here to guard me, so I'm going to check on the parts of the plant you didn't get to yet!" he yelled, clearly far away. "Keep an eye on my office for me!" he shouted as he faded from earshot.

"Come on, Mr. Smithers, whatever your secret is, it can't be THAT bad!" Carl said, patting him on the shoulder.

"Yeah," Lenny said, "Just tell us already."

Waylon gulped and then strained out, "Okay, I'll tell you. But you have to promise not to tell anyone else… especially Mr. Burns."

"Even Homer?" Lenny asked curiously.

"ESPECIALLY Homer!" Waylon clarified, "If that blabbermouth got word of it, soon the entire CITY would know!"

"It's okay, Mr. Smithers. We won't tell Mr. Burns OR Homer… or anybody else. Now, what's your secret?" Carl asked calmly.

"I'm gay…" Waylon muttered almost under his breath.

Lenny started to laugh heartily. "Is that all?"

"Don't tell ANYBODY!" Waylon snapped.

Lenny said, "Don't sweat it. If either of us tells, it'll be Carl."

"Me? Naw, if either of us tells, it'll be Lenny."

The fact that either man expected the other to tell before they did, calmed Waylon slightly, but he was still a little nervous.

The police were scattered around nearby. Eddie was listening into the office for suspicious activity.

Chief Clancy Wiggum was looking around and said to Lou, "You see, Lou, I don't know what happened to the assassin. I'm afraid he got away, but at least Mr. Burns is okay. Now, I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing." He then turned to Eddie and asked, "Hey, Eddie, is the assassin in there?"

Eddie said without thinking, "No, it was just Mr. Burns' assistant telling some employees he was gay." Then, realizing what he had just said, Eddie covered his mouth.

"Eddie, that may be the juiciest gossip I've heard all day! Congratulations, one who seldom speaks…" Clancy said, patting his lighter partner on the back knocking him onto the ground.

"No, Chief… you can't tell ANYONE! I wasn't even supposed to tell you and Lou. I wasn't even supposed to KNOW," Eddie said, regretfully. "It's a secret."

"Okay, okay," shrugged Clancy, "I won't tell anyone… except Ralphie."

"No, not even him…" Eddie said. "We don't want this secret publicized, which is what I'm sure will happen if you start this chain."

"Oh, please… who will Ralphie tell? He's just an innocent little kid, and he doesn't want to hurt anyone."

"Then why would he POSSIBLY be curious, Chief?" Lou asked, siding with Eddie.

"I just can't keep a secret is all…" Clancy said.

Eddie regretted ever having opened his mouth.


	2. Wrong Exposition of Religion

_Mr. Smithers Sucks Dick… Is Burns' judgment really good enough?_ read the well designed propaganda poster. Monty took one look at it and tore it down. "I don't need such images destroying my workspace… even if the sentiment is true."

The poster showed Waylon, closed-eyed and open-mouthed staring in the face what appeared to be a phallus. The blatant sexuality of the poster was obvious to everyone, but no one liked it. The posters had been designed by that trickster Krusty the Clown who heard about it from Sideshow Mel in a passing conversation, which he had discussed over poor boy sandwiches with his unlikely friend, Otto Man, who started listening in on a discussion of "confirmed suspicions" on a bus ride to school between Bart Simpson and Milhouse van Houten, who had heard the strange news from Lisa Simpson (who didn't tell Bart because _he already knew_), who heard it from, of all people, Ralph Wiggum. He had designed them as an opportunity to usurp the position of head of the Republican Party from Monty.

The man who suffered the most was Ned Flanders, who saw the grotesque images, which awestruck him to no end. He had not one good thing to say about them. He had several bad things: they depicted an act of immoral sex, they were put up in a public location where even moral sex would've been abhorrent, they were libelous to TWO different people, and they used vulgar terminology.

He ripped down the posters one by one, all over the mall. Eventually he had a little pile, which he took outside, ran to a desolate location where nothing could be hurt, lit a match and burned them. No trace of these evil posters was to stay. He ran back after putting out the fire, with a look of anger on his face. When he found out who was responsible for making the poster he would kick their ass for doing such an unbelievably wrong thing. He stood in the center of the mall and shouted, "Who is responsible for such a terrible travesty!?"

"What happened?" Eddie asked Lou.

Krusty laughed and said, "I put up some 'offensive' posters. But all I did was show that Mr. Burns' assistant was gay."

"And that's a terrible travesty? Ned Flanders must be some kind of fire-and-brimstone fundamentalist…" Eddie said, without realizing he had done it again.

"Eddie, you're a genius!" shouted Clancy, "That's our next gossip sensation."

"NO! I mean, I don't have any actual evidence. I was just making a passing comment. Man, I really need to start shutting up again."

Meanwhile, at the Power Plant, Monty was hiding a poster behind his back. "What is that?" asked Waylon.

"You don't want to know…" said Monty. "You'll be offended."

"I want to see, sir. I really do." Waylon tried to take the poster from Monty.

"No, you don't. Trust me, you don't…"

Waylon ripped it from Monty's hands, and the phallic properties of the poster nearly made his face turn red, but the text made him VERY angry, as did the presence of his face. He shoved the poster back to Monty and said, "Throw it in the toxic ooze."

"Okay, I didn't like it anyway…" Monty said as he dropped the poster into a vat of nuclear waste.

Waylon found Lenny and Carl and barked, "I hope you two are happy! I've been humiliated! And I TOLD you not to tell anyone."

"I didn't," swore Lenny, "I promise, Waylon, I didn't."

"And I didn't either," said Carl.

Then they both looked at each other and said in unison, "I know you did it." The two of them started beating each other up.

Waylon walked away and said, "Humph… I wonder how you guys would like being teased with pornographic posters."

"I didn't do it!" Carl shouted as Lenny was tugging on his ears. Carl started pulling Lenny's hair.

Lenny shouted, "It wasn't me, Carl! Neither one of us told, did we?"

Carl and Lenny stepped back from each other and Carl responded, "Well if you didn't tell and I didn't tell, how did people find out?"

Lenny came to a realization. "The lockdown! Of course! The police were nearby. Maybe one of them overheard our conversation with Mr. Smithers and spilled the beans."

"Of course…" Carl echoed, as they both went to find Waylon and tell him the possibility.

"Excuse me, sir," Waylon said, "But I'd like to go home early today."

"Propaganda is always a good thing when you're not the target," Monty said sympathetically, "But when you are… it's a tolling thing. You may go home early. And, Smithers?"

Waylon turned around looking Monty in the eyes and, "Yes, Mr. Burns?" he asked.

"Even if you do 'suck Dick', whoever Dick is… I don't care."

"Umm… sir, 'dick' isn't a person… it's a slang word for…penis…" Waylon said shyly, every time he said one of those words blushing a little harder.

"I see," Monty said, "I feel sorry for all my childhood friends named Richard now. And… it doesn't matter to me if you're a homosexual."

"Hey, hey, let's not get carried away, sir! Nobody said the content was true!" Waylon said, embarrassed, because if Monty had reached this point, it wouldn't be too hard to figure out the final piece of the puzzle: his undying love.

"Calm _down, _Smithers," said Monty, "I said IF. Sheesh."

"Ah… yes, of course…" Waylon said, while shifting his eyes.

Monty asked as Waylon was about to leave, "By the way, what do you think of MY 'dick?'"

Waylon wanted to tell him it was the most beautiful organ he'd ever seen, but seeing as how this would definitely NOT keep his crush a secret he said, "Oh… well, it's pretty good in the world of… 'dicks'."

He went home, crying out of humiliation and praying to God that Monty wouldn't turn on him and that these posters were the worst of his problem. Ned was doing the same thing. But Ned's prayers would have a funny way of backfiring the next day.


End file.
